whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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