this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
i out mim tonsoeep
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
