ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
