his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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