The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
