I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
