It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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