I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
