So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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