You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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