I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
