I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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