Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
