My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
