so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
