he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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