Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
