No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
