do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
