There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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