Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
