Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
