you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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