It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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