You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
