I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
