I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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