Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
