She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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