I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
