She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
