Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
