a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize