I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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