She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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