You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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