I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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