my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
