LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
