Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
