dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
