Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
