you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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