I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
