So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
