my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
