hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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