So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Randomize