Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
