why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
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She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
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Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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