I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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