??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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