There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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