Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Randomize
