i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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