Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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