you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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