I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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