I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
