I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I am one with the molecules
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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