rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
